I admit it

Ok, so I'll finally admit it. I guess it's part of moving on.

This week was a little rough for me. I couldn't wait for Branden to get home from Idaho. I was driving home from school on Friday, and I called him. He was only 30 minutes from home! I didn't expect that. When he came in my door to see my new bookshelf (post to follow if I can EVER find the charger for my camera), he gave me the best hug in the world. His hugs are always the kind that make any troubles that exist in the world just dissolve. It felt marvelous, one of the best things in life. We we enjoyed a delicious lunch (I think it was at Jason's deli) and spent the whole afternoon together. Branden and I went to Wingers for dinner--he had been craving it for the whole week. As we were waiting for our seat, he suggested we go check out the piano store next door. It was so fun! He told me to tell the employee that we were just looking for the future. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. We even saw a piano (a real one not a digital one) that played music off of an ipod! I really want to take my grandpa there to see it. He was the first person to put a mechanical player into a piano (that's part of the reason I want his one day), but he later sold the patent.


We ran back into Wingers and enjoyed their original amazing sauce. We had a good evening, and I ended up with sauce dripped all over my pants. I promised Branden that I'd try a wing after I wasn't so full. I'm not big on chicken on bones, so I had the chicken strips. Branden kept asking me if I wanted to go see Harry Potter, but I couldn't since I haven't even read the 6th book. I don't remember if we really did anything the rest of the evening, I just remember that it was a lot of fun.


The next morning I got up to practice my dance for the ward talent show. Before Whitney came over though, I went to offer pancakes to Branden for breakfast. He had asked me to make them for him before, but I just couldn't do it in time. After I practiced for about an hour I ran back over to Branden's and we decided to go to Beto's (I was starving to the point of tears now). We came back and were sitting on the couch, when we got into another one of our issues.

Branden and I are pretty good at fighting for what seems like hours. That week I was starting to develop a new concern. I love hearing good news from my friends, but I would be lying if I said I was able to keep myself from getting jealous. I was starting to feel like I was watching my friends live their lives while I just sat around waiting for things that I couldn't control at all, instead of making progress. I've been really frustrated with the progress that Branden and I haven't been making towards marriage. He's worked really hard, but he's also given me expectations about when we would be getting at least engaged, and he's either not fulfilled it, or he's taken it back. It was hurting me so much, and he saw that. My pain was killing him. And, it made him hard to ask me to marry him, when it seemed like my love was so conditional. I finally realized that I couldn't NOT care about being married to him, and he needed me to be patient enough for him to get everything prepared (finances, etc...). I realized that I couldn't just be patient without knowing that marriage was in store for us. I couldn't be as strong as he needed me to be.

So, I brought up the idea of a break up. Thinking back now, I can't believe that I did. I just knew that we were hurting each other, and we were hurting our relationship. I needed him to let me know that he was going to propose, and he needed to know that I accepted him no matter what (especially since he was working so hard for it, but he just couldn't give it to me). The last thing I want is to hurt him, and I want our relationship to grow stronger--not be in a downward spiral. We decided it would be better to try a breakup instead of trying to stay together if it wasn't right. It's easier to fix a breakup than it is a broken marriage.

I still love Branden, more than I can even explain. It's been ridiculously difficult for me to understand that it's going on. I could not comprehend it for two days, but now I'm starting to come to terms. I love him, and I want it to work out with us in the end. Either way, it will turn out well now. If Heavenly Father wants us together and we live as we should, we'll get back together. If not, we won't get back together, and we'll know that it's right. I just hope that we can manage to be friends, even if it's just for a little while.

For now, I've given myself the tasks of acing my exams, reconnecting with old friends, finding a job that can fit into my life, pursuing more of my hobbies, deciding where to do an internship in January, and serving God.

Stay tuned for more updates and even more adventures.

Branden sent these photos to me Saturday or Sunday night on facebook.
This is from a Bonfire in 2008. His are the bunny ear hands.


One of Branden's favorite memories:This is from Thanksgiving 2008.
Sariah took the picture with her phone while we were on our way to a family dinner.


Another of Branden's favorite pictures: This is from Hoover Dam in 2009.
This was one of the best vacations we ever took.
We went to go see Jimmy Buffettin Las Vegas in May.

Another favorite memory: This was from a bonfire in a friend's back yard in 2008
We were enjoying the swing beside the Provo River at night.