Pain

It's a little hard to deal with.

It's been over a month now, and I feel like surviving has been an accomplishment. I've learned a lot about myself, and a lot about my dedication level. Branden and I are staying friends, and it's going ok. It just stinks on those days where the pain sneaks up on me, and makes my eyes swell up with tears, and all I can seem to do is sit and stare at a wall until it passes.

I've looked back over my old journals and old letters and e-mails that Branden and I sent one another. Having him as such a central part of my life made me feel like I could do anything. I still know that I can, but it's a little harder doing it on my own. I must admit, it felt a little like he was my safety net. Now I'm net-free, but I'm also free to live according to my own desires.

I have real responsibilities now, and I can't just seek the opportunities that keep me entertained every day like I did during the summer. I expected it would get easier as school started, but it's gotten worse. As I talk with men in the halls, I check for left-hand rings. As I sit in class, I notice the sparkling rocks on the girls hands. I can't help but wonder, have I been wasting my time?

I am a completely different person than I was two years ago. I've found some friends where I never would have expected them, and I'm enjoying a new-found freedom. I feel like I'm a better person in most ways, but I've lost a few things I was fond of. And although things were never perfect, I feel like I've lost the perfection that I had in my life. I was very happy with the way things were, and I felt like I was improving myself every day.

Branden's love empowered me. It's still there, I just don't get to enjoy it like I did before. I pray every day for strength, and I'm looking forward to shaping my life how I want it. I am surviving, and things will get better. They already have. And as long as I am careful with my decisions and my actions, things will only get better.