Fall Has Arrived!

Well, I suppose that fall is officially here. I heard them announce its arrival on the radio this morning as I drove to class. In Utah, that means everything turns brown and the nights become very chilly. I saw that firsthand when Aaron and I took a ride on his bike today. The leaves are already brilliant oranges and reds in the mountains, and as we were driving home I noted all of the brown grasses that cover the earth. When I first moved here, I hated the brown, but now, it's grown on me. The brown means that fall is here, and that means that it's the beginning of the holiday season.

No More Waiting

Today Branden told me that he is afraid that he may have lost the best thing that could have happened to him. I've been trying to tell him that (and I've been working to avoid it). I love that man with all of my heart, and it'd be really nice if we could work it out, but I can also say, I'm not going to get back with him unless he's going to give me what I need. I just don't feel like it's right to wait forever. In any case, whether it's him or not, I'm not going to settle for anything less than a man who can't stand the thought of life without me.



Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?

I sing ya songs I dance a dance
I gave ya friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn't worth never having you
And maybe you been through this before
But its my first time
So please ignore
The next few lines cause they're directed at you

I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool
I keep playing your part
But its not my scene
Wont this plot not twist?
I've had enough mystery.
Keep building me up, then shooting me down
Well I'm already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting

Well if I was in your position
Id put down all my ammunition
I'd wondered why'd it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you
And If I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
No I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool, foool

2. Rock Climbing - second "goal" accomplished!

Well, as promised, I signed up for the BYU Rock climbing class, and It's been an awesome experience! I started out, basically afraid of climbing, but wanting to get into it. Now, I still have climbs/days when I love rock climbing, and I still have days/climbs where I hate it.

Most of the class we climbed up in Rock Canyon, here in Provo. The first day was pretty neat, but I didn't have much confidence. We learned about the climbing commands

Climber: "On belay"
Belayer: "belay on"
C: "ready to climb"
B: "climb on"
C: "climbing"

-Then the climber starts her climb and once she gets to the top she says,
Climber: "Tension"
Belayer: "Tension on"
C: "Ready to lower"
B: "Lowering"
C: "off belay"
B: "Thank you......... Belay off"

I was interviewed for BYU Weekly's segment on rock climbing. You can check it out here: http://www.byub.org/byuweekly/Player.aspx?seg=336

We climbed in quite a few areas, but my favorites were the Appendage and the Kitchen. I wore flip-flops on all of the class days. That was funny, especially because I'm more scared of the approaches than I am of climbing.

The class ended with a great camp out up American Fork Canyon. There was snow on the ground in our campsite, and it was freezing, but it still made for an awesome trip. I actually hauled my 4th of July quilt with me everywhere the whole trip.

I ended the day with my hardest climb. I think it was about 70 feet high or so, and was in the Hard Rock section of American Fork Canyon. My climb was called Stoic Calculus. The reason this was so awesome, is that it was the way I ended everything, and it was my best climb yet. According to Melissa, my teacher, I had great technique, and I just busted my way up there! Here are some pictures of the climb from climbing websites:

Rain (take 2)

It's pouring outside. I love it. Rain always provides me with an excuse to study on my couch rather than trek outside to some building where I can't be quite as comfortable and risk getting soaked.

We've had a lot of rain this year. It's been pretty amazing. I've got the sliding glass door cracked, and I'm watching a giant flag ripple and twist in the wind as the raindrops splatter against the glass. It's surprisingly sunny too.


It reminds me a little bit of the coast, and it reminds me of why it is that I love the beach so much. There's just something absolutely amazing about where the waves meet the land. The wind is stronger there, and the air holds the moisture of the ocean until it becomes too heavy to handle. As the water condensates on the dirt particles suspended in the air, they combine together until finally they fall back to the earth and the sea. In heavy rain, everything appears unified as you try to peer through the clouds and the rain. Its like the earth provides a fresh start (almost every afternoon in Florida) for itself, and it just reminds me that we have that opportunity every day too. One day I'm going to return to the coast.

{For now, I'm alive and well}

Edit: This song has been stuck in my head tonight. I figure it's appropriate to put on this post. I want to thank everyone who's been there for me this past month, especially those who have been in similar situations. Thank you for sharing your stories. Thank you for giving me hope. I don't know how I'd do it without you.



Lyrics:
So damn easy to say that life’s so hard
Everybody’s got their share of battle scars
As for me I’d like to thank my lucky stars that
I’m alive, and well

It’d be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me, I’m alive

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathin' in and out's a blessin' can’t you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
And I’m alive, and well
I’m alive, and well

Stars are dancin’ on the water here tonight
It’s good for the soul, when there’s not a soul in sight
But this boat has caught its wind and brought me back to life
Now I’m alive, and well

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathin' in and out's a blessing can’t you see
Today is the first day of the rest of my life
Now I’m alive, and well
Yeah I’m alive, and well

Pain

It's a little hard to deal with.

It's been over a month now, and I feel like surviving has been an accomplishment. I've learned a lot about myself, and a lot about my dedication level. Branden and I are staying friends, and it's going ok. It just stinks on those days where the pain sneaks up on me, and makes my eyes swell up with tears, and all I can seem to do is sit and stare at a wall until it passes.

I've looked back over my old journals and old letters and e-mails that Branden and I sent one another. Having him as such a central part of my life made me feel like I could do anything. I still know that I can, but it's a little harder doing it on my own. I must admit, it felt a little like he was my safety net. Now I'm net-free, but I'm also free to live according to my own desires.

I have real responsibilities now, and I can't just seek the opportunities that keep me entertained every day like I did during the summer. I expected it would get easier as school started, but it's gotten worse. As I talk with men in the halls, I check for left-hand rings. As I sit in class, I notice the sparkling rocks on the girls hands. I can't help but wonder, have I been wasting my time?

I am a completely different person than I was two years ago. I've found some friends where I never would have expected them, and I'm enjoying a new-found freedom. I feel like I'm a better person in most ways, but I've lost a few things I was fond of. And although things were never perfect, I feel like I've lost the perfection that I had in my life. I was very happy with the way things were, and I felt like I was improving myself every day.

Branden's love empowered me. It's still there, I just don't get to enjoy it like I did before. I pray every day for strength, and I'm looking forward to shaping my life how I want it. I am surviving, and things will get better. They already have. And as long as I am careful with my decisions and my actions, things will only get better.

1. Mt. Timp - first "goal" accomplished.

I'm sitting here finishing blog posts, largely because I don't feel up to walking around. My knees are propped up on a pillow, and every time I bend the right one it feels the way braces feel when you eat something that reacts with the metal.


Just about the day after I posted my fun "goals" I got a text from Aaron. He invited me to hike Timp. I was not prepared, but I decided to go ahead and give it a chance.

This is a link to a slide show of beautiful pictures from the hike (these are a lot better than mine, and will show you why it was so amazing).

All of Friday evening I tried to take a nap. All of Friday evening I was too excited, and too busy to spend much more than 20 mind numbing minutes in front of the TV. I ran over to Aaron's apartment to find our group. There were 14 of us, mostly guys, but there were 3 or 4 girls. We headed up the canyon in Matt's old Cadillac. I was crammed in the back in-between Aaron and Grant. The twisty roads played tricks on my stomach. Lets just say, starting the trip at 12:30, with no sleep, and being car-sick, wasn't the best idea.

We started up the trail, and I wasn't about to be lame about it. I tried to keep up with the pace of the leaders, but probably before we even got to Stuart Falls, I started to get winded. Finally I slowed down and walked with the "slow" group with about 4 of us. We slowly made our way up the curvy trail. We could see the flashlights of groups in front of us, which helped us tell where we were going, and gave us hope that we were getting closer and closer to the top.

We keept leap-frogging another group that had some sort of professional basketball player in it. It was interesting chatting with him, but I honestly had no clue who he was. He had done the hike at least once before, and he let us know that we had no idea about how much farther we had to go. We got up on the initial ridge and started hiking up what looked almost like a road to Emerald Lake. Once we got past that, we all sat on rocks for a brief rest. Here the area opened up, and we could see the lights of those coming up the Aspen Grove trail combining with the lights of those coming up the Timpanooke trail. The basketball player shared some of his fruit with us, and I was really thankful for it (though I had a peach or a plumb, and it didn't really have much flavor).



For those of you who don't know, I'm afraid of hiking. Or maybe I'm afraid of mountains. In any case, I knew that I would not have started the hike if it weren't in the dark. There was even a section where we went the wrong way, and started walking on the side of a rock. That's when I was really glad that I was wearing my new hiking boots (yes, I know it's wrong to wear new boots on a hike like that, but mo other shoes, which I brought, don't have the traction that my boots do). It surprised me that the burning in most of my muscles ceased after a while. I was amazed at what my body could do. I will say, my hip flexers weren't prepared for that trip, and they hurt so bad the whole time. As we moved from the ridge onto the loose rock field, I discovered, that as long as I focused on the little circle of light in front of me, I was never overwhelmed. I could always keep going.



This came in handy as I crawled up the steep side as we worked our way to the real ridge. The sky was starting to lighten as we finally reached the top. Our little group was going to rest there until sunrise, but it was cold and the rest of our group was nowhere to be found, so we decided to continue.



This was the worst part of the hike for me at this point. The trail was no wider than my couch cousin at some points. When you're walking along a ridge on the top of a mountain with steep drops on either side, that is not how I want to describe my trail. I had to stop for a rest, and close my eyes to keep the panic at bay. I let my little group continue on without me. What was nice is that there were so many people doing it that we were never alone. It provided a little bit of safety that I wasn't expecting. I joined two other college kids who were of a mind to make a slower ascent than my group.



When I finally got towards the top, the sky was starting to light up, but the sun wasn't up yet. I felt proud of myself for conquering a fear and not stopping when it would have been so easy (granted... I was also afraid of freezing). I called out for my group and finally found Ben. He directed me over to everyone else, and I climbed up to happily sit down. From where we were I could see everything, and I was very happy to sit back to back with Grant for some extra warmth.



We watched the sun come up and I remained terrified, as you can see in this video.

I signed the book in the little building at the top and I was so proud of myself for making it. Before we headed down, I recruited Ben to be my personal helper. From my experiences in the past, I'm full aware of how slowly I go down mountains (it often takes me longer to go down than up). While he ran around chatting with people, I found myself a little space between some of the rocks where I could rest and be sheltered from the wind. As I drifted in and out of sleep, I couldn't dispel the fear that someone wouldn't see me and would step right on my head.



At this point, all I wanted to do was take a nap. For anyone who knows me, you know how I get when I'm tired. Finally I gave up on it, and decided to head down before others. I figured I'd need all of the head start that I could get. The walk down the ridge was horrible for me. I wanted to sleep. I was afraid of dozing off while I walked. I was afraid of tripping and falling down the mountain. Despite all of this, we kept going, and Ben was more patient than I even hoped for.



On the way down I couldn't believe the beauty, nor could I believe how far I had walked the night before. I had planned on sharing water with someone, but I ended up getting separated from them. I ran out of water on the way down, and by the time noon came I was completely exhausted. I wanted sleep. I wanted my knees to stop hurting. I wanted to be able to lift my legs. There was a point that I felt a few tears of exhaustion roll down my eyes. I thought about Branden, and the way he would have pushed me to keep going. Were it not for that, I probably would have taken much longer getting down.











There aren't many pictures of the forest-area towards the bottom. The pain only continued to build as we made our way closer to the base of the mountain, and I barely was able to continue putting one foot in front of the other. Looking back on it, I'm amazed. I was absolutely miserable during most of the hike. It was tough going up, terrifying at the top, and painful going down. Now, I can't believe what I accomplished or what I learned. I discovered that through out the difficult things in life, although they can be entirely overwhelming (like a 11,749 foot mountain), if you keep your focus on the little circle of light in front of you, you can do so much more than you thought was possible.

Now it is one of my favorite things that I have ever done. The memories and sense of accomplishment far outweigh the misery. I experienced more physical pain than I ever had before, and while I said that I would never ever do it again, if I'm still in Utah next year I may just try.

Photo Gallery: Hiking Mount Timpanogos

By Logan Bradford

- Mon, 09/14/2009 - 16:05

Start of School

Right now, I should be doing homework, or fixing my resume, or something along those lines. But I'm sitting in class waiting to see if I can get into Rock Climbing. Who knows. It's pretty nerve-racking. So, blogging is the easiest thing for me to do to prevent the great emotions from running around in my mind.

The total waiting list number is 118.
...
I think I'm 85 or 87.
...
Two students so far.
...
Yes! I got in!

Compared to my classes that I've had over the summer, I'm not a fan of this semester. I now know that I will love grad school. During the summer I was taking graduate level Spanish classes, and we never had more than 12 students. They were fantastic. Most of my classes now are in an auditorium that fits around 300+ students. It'll be a bit tough. Rock climbing will make a great relief from my daily stress.

I was hoping to take ballet too, but I've injured my knee, and ballet doesn't fit into my schedule very well (I have three days where I'm not scheduled after 11:00 am, but I have ballet thrown in there at 2:30 -4:00). Too bad.

Good news: look forward to more posts about rock climbing adventures!

p.s. I got a job. It's a blessing, but it's also a trial. I dread it every morning, but I'm done with it quite quickly, and I'm so thankful that I can do something where I get paid while I do homework.