I think we all face it sometime. It eats away at us, and makes us squirm as we look for either justification or a scape goat. In one form or another, we all struggle with it -- the challenge to get over our insecurities that we create by comparing ourselves to others.
I have found myself dangerously close to the doorway to this challenge far too many times recently. I feel like with 2009 winding down I couldn't help but consider the state I thought I'd be in by 11:59 pm on December 31. Marriage has totally evaded me. I had tried to do everything right. I found a man that I loved, and that I didn't want to live without, and who said the same things about me. I spent years of my time and energy dating him through college and slowly letting the relationship develop. He was a good man, with strong morals, who I not only respected but loved immensely, and since he seemed to feel the same way I did, I justified sticking with him -- because, of course, if you are going to be getting married, you better know the man you're with.
I look around, and I see more and more of my friends getting married. I find myself looking in awe as I make up some reason why I'm better than they are, and why I deserve it more. The plain fact is that I'm not, and I don't.
I'm not any better than any other human being on the face of this planet.
We're all the same, and that's a divine fact. Yes, some people are prettier than others or more righteous than others, and some people are harder workers than others, but in Gods eyes, all people deserve His love. In any case, this is a diversion from my topic.
I'm not any better than the other women who wanders the streets of Provo hoping to live up to the righteous expectations placed on them by this rather marriage-obsessed BYU culture. My hard work is no less important than theirs, and although the work may not be equal, it is equitable.
3 comments:
Yes you may not be married, but look at the other accomplishments you have made. You are about to graduate from BYU and you have a job with Goldman Sachs. You seriously are an amazing person who deserves only the best, so hold out for the right one. Sadly at times we may think we know who the right one is and then it turns out they were the opposite of right. But then the real Mr. Right comes along and we see why he was worth the wait.
I love your adorable face and hope this makes you feel a little better.
Funny thing about this is that I don't even remember why I was feeling this way. I'm actually feeling quite great about life right now.
We all have our moments. Mine became bitterness when I kinda went through the same thing last May when I broke up with Brad. It was REALLY hard and I was working at the temple at the time - making each promise I told women about marriage even harder to listen to. I got REALLY bitter! I stopped working at the temple and even made some pretty stupid mistakes because of my bitterness in not seeing those blessings everyone else seemed to be. I look at life now - almost a year after Brad. He's still in my life and at time pretty toxic to it. But I'm not as bitter anymore. I just keep telling myself that someday the time will be right for me and for my husband. Whoever he is. My life is not defined by my calling, situation, marital status, who I know, or what I have. I am me. I know my purpose and challenges and trials need to come first before I get the next growing step (marriage). Don't worry, Elizabeth. Some day it'll come. ;) Just gotta learn more I suppose. I'm glad I didn't marry Alex 4 years ago. I wouldn't know half of what I know now having been on my own if I did marry him. Wow, I just wrote a novel. :P Sorry!
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